Do I Have To?

Yeah - it's childish.

Yeah - it's REALLY childish.

And, yeah - it's a question that I ask. A LOT.

"Do I have to?" That seems to be a question that I'm asking a lot in my prayer recently. Possibly because I know that there are things in my calendar that I'm not really looking forward to - but knowing that I have to do them, I've been getting frustrated at the Lord because I haven't been able to do the things that I want to be doing.

And not just the *fun* things . . . 

There are items for the parish that I would like to be doing: preparing events for the Young Adults, spending more time with the Youth Ministry, spending time with the various groups of the parish on occasion, teaching a class, and the like. However, because of the things that pop up in my calendar, which are just as important as those things I wish I could be doing, my wishes are placed in the back seat.

But this is not to say that I don't get to do any of the events listed above. There are those moments in which something on the calendar gets cancelled, and one of my "wishes can come true". It's not often that this happens, but, every so often, lightning strikes.

I've been asking this question and feeling frustrated in this way a lot from the time I got back from making my retreat in October until now. Our parish has seemed to have had an upswing in funerals recently. (16 in October, and 12 in January.) It can be a lot, especially when you add the normal life of the parish on top of ministry to the deceased's family. And when you're in the "crazy busy" seasons of Advent, Christmas, Lent or Easter (especially around the Triduum), you almost have no time to do anything - or nothing. (Take your pick . . . they're both true!)

Nevertheless, at the end of the day, I know the answer to my question. "Yes, you have to. This is what you've committed your life to." And while I may ask the question in frustration in my prayer, it's ultimately my grumbling to God, my human weaknesses being played out, my tiredness and lack of sleep catching up to me - just wanting to find some extra time to just be quiet, to be still in the presence of God. And those are the days and the times that I really realize that while I'm "doing what I'm supposed to be doing", I need to readjust my mentality, and take those extra five minutes to recall in the quiet and stillness that it is Christ that I truly can do anything.

Does this mean I won't ever complain to God (or my friends and family) again? No. I know I will, because it's something that humans do to let go of some of the stress and anxiety that we find in our lives, especially when we feel that everything is closing in around us on all sides. I'm no exception in that fact. But what I can do is something that I recommend to people in confession: Take a moment to step back, take a breath, and ask the Lord to assist me in the endeavor at hand. Does this mean that I will be successful in carrying out the task at hand? Not necessarily. But that doesn't mean I won't give it my all.

Essentially, the question is not "Do I have to?" . . . The REAL question is "Do I want to?" The answer to the first question will most likely always be "yes". (Although I'm sure there will be some exceptions from time to time.) Yet the answer to the second question is the answer that I'll grapple over, because while I'm crying out the first question to God, my heart is really asking the second question. And God can't answer that question. Because of my free will, only I can answer that question when I ask it. And I have to admit that sometimes the answer will be "no" - but that doesn't mean that I won't do what I have to.

And thank God for that.



(You can consider this one of those "complaints".)






Enjoy the journey . . .