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The other evening, as I was in prayer, I began feeling a bit stupid for my sinfulness, for my lack of charity, and even for my lack of trust in God. This is nothing new to me - I don't often dwell on these to the point of frustration, but, every so often, my eyes are open a little more to my faults and failings. (Although, I am quite aware of them on a day-to-day basis.) And so, I felt moved to search my soul, see where I was, and to place that before the Cross.
"Well," I thought to myself, "if I'm going to contemplate, maybe some music will help open me up." And this is where God kicked me in the pants.
As I started the music program, the first song that popped up was Hillsong United's "From the Inside Out". This song has always had a special place in my heart, more so following the most recent Fall Retreat where this was the theme song. The song hit me rather hard at that point, beginning with the first words: "A thousand times I failed, still Your mercy remains . . ." And that's how I was feeling at that moment, and prayerfully entering that song was very easy, and I was chuckling to myself throughout the song . . . it was what I needed to pray at that moment. "From the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out . . ." I was crying out to God that He would hear me at that moment of frustration.
The next song that began to play was Matt Maher's "Alive Again". "Ugh! God, what are You doing?" I love this song, and it's hit me on a number of levels a number of times. "I was looking outside / As if love would ever want to hide / I'm finding I was wrong." Love doesn't hide; Love always makes itself known. Love always makes HIMSELF known. "You called and You shouted / Broke through my deafness . . . You shattered my darkness / Washed away my blindness . . ." To be alive, and yet alive AGAIN is to allow one's self to be completely opened to Christ and the love which He bestows upon us through His Spirit. We're not simply alive once, but alive again and again each time that we are able to let Love be present in our lives: to us and through us to others. It doesn't matter how many we've messed up in our relationship with God or with others, His Love, primarily through the Sacraments of Reconciliation and the Eucharist, allow us to become alive once again through the graces He chooses to bestow upon us.
The third song was, once again, the exact prayer I needed at that moment. It was MercyMe's "Word of God Speak". "Word of God speak / Would You pour down like rain / Washing my eyes to see / Your majesty / To be still and know / That You're in this place / Please let me stay and rest / In Your holiness / Word of God speak." I needed to be reminded to be still and to quiet. I needed to be more aware of the quiet whisper of Love spoken in the solitude of silence. I needed to be reminded that sometimes the best prayer is to simply rest in the Divine Presence.
And that's what I chose to do.
I shut off the music. I simply allowed myself to be quiet, to be still. I simply rested in His Presence.
God kicked me in the pants during that prayer session. I needed it. I needed to move beyond myself once again to realize that the vocation, that the assignments, that all the busy-ness, that all of it was and is, though important, not the most important thing that I should have been doing at that point or should be doing at any point. God's kicking me in the pants that night reminded me that in all things my life is a continuous prayer. Sometimes I forget that - and those are the moments in which I find frustration and aggravation in my life. The more open I am to the Spirit, the more that I allow the Spirit to work in and through me, the more apt I am to recognize the quiet whispers of Love speaking to me, knowing that Love never hides, and knowing that our soul continuously cries out to God from the inside of our very being to the outside of the lives we live.
We all have frustrations in our lives from time-to-time. In the end, it's about recognizing the movement of God in those moments. It's about finding the peace in the quiet solitude of life - those whispers of Love - which allows us to "live and move and have our being" (Preface for Sundays in Ordinary Time VI). We are all seeking happiness in our lives. A life lived in Christ, a life lived for others is ultimately what will help us to become happy. Sometimes we need to reach out in our prayer to obtain this goal. "Ask Christ to help you to become happy," are some wise words from Saint Paul Miki, the Sixteenth Century Japanese saint. And Jesus did promise that whatever was asked for in His Name would be granted. Sometimes we need to ask to be happy. Sometimes we need to ask to be at peace.
Sometimes it's taking that leap of faith to reach out to the Love that created us, to move ourselves from the inside out, to allow our deafness to be shattered and our blindness washed away, to be still to allow the Word to speak to us and to dwell within us.
Sometimes God needs to kick us in the pants to recognize how deep His Love dwells. Sometimes God needs to kick us in the pants to move us beyond ourselves. Sometimes God needs to kick us in the pants so that we can be quiet, so that we can be still.
It is truly "From the Inside Out" that we are "Alive Again", allowing the "Word of God [to] Speak" to us in our lives so that the journey of faith may be one lived completely by the promptings of the Spirit.
Enjoy the journey . . .
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